Supporting a friend or a family member that has experienced technology-facilitated sexual violence (TFSV) can be challenging, as it requires great sensitivity and understanding.
Here are a few tips that we suggest to help your peers and loved ones:
DO ask them about the type of support that they'd like to receive
Survivors can experience a whirlwind of emotions during and after their experience of TFSV. Since their immediate needs from their community may vary, it's best to ask them about the type of support that they'd like to receive.
In case they say, "I'm not sure", here are a few options that you can suggest
Offer a listening ear (see our post about active listening)
Sit beside them and body double (Body doubling is the practice of two people conducting the same or different activities to help each other productively focus on a task. Examples can include cleaning together, reading or working on hobbies like knitting)
Offer them a home-cooked or store-bought comfort meal
Consider sharing "healthy" distractitions with them, which can include funny videos, movie suggestions, cartoons, colouring sheets etc. (we define healthy distractions as a referalls to activities that help distractt a survivor to build positiove emotions in a manner that does nott cause physical, emotional harm to themselves or another person)
Attend a holistic-movement based class with them (online or in-person). Examples include yoga, stretching, kickboxing, muay-thai, etc.
DO offer to provide access to free and accessible legal resources
Here are a few phone lines and support services that offer legal advice and information for survivors of sexual assault and gender-based violence in Ontario:
DO listen to their experiences and use validating language
Sharing experiences of TFSV can be overwhelming and frightening for a survivor, as they risk experiencing victim-blaming and shaming commentary.
In this context, we recommend that you use validating language such as:
I believe you;
You are worthy of receiving kindness and gentleness;
Your voice matters;
Your life matters;
And you deserve care and support.
DON'T ask them for further details about the incident(s). (E.g. who was involved, how much information was stolen and on which platforms etc.)
Asking a survivor to share details about their experiences of TFSV may trigger them to re-experience the fear, shame or frustration from the incident(s). In this context, we suggest that you say something like "you're welcome to share as much as you're comfortable with".
DON't use victim blaming language
Victim blaming language is symptomatic of rape culture because it fixates on minimizing the experiences of the survivor, and avoids holding the perpetrator accountable. This can occur by blaming the survivor for being victimized and implying that they somehow provoked the perpetrator to commit the act of TFSV.
Here are a few examples of victim blaming phrases:
It's your fault
It was justt a joke, get over it
You're such an idiot
You deserve to be violated
You had to know that this person would betray you
You must have sent mixed signals
Why didn't you come forward sooner
You're obviously lying
Stop complaining
Suggested further reading
Healthy Distractions vs Avoidant Coping by The Bereavement Center https://bereavementcenter.org/project/grief-note-healthy-distractions-vs-avoidant-coping/
How to Listen When Someone You Know Discloses Sexual Assault by The Psychology Benefits Society
Tips For Active Listening by The Resource Sharing Project
Healthy andUplifting Distractions by The Delaware Psychology Services https://www.delawarepsychologicalservices.com/post/60-healthy-and-uplifting-distractions
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